I did some sci-fi writing for a few years, and was one VP of a writing group (focusing on "novels" specifically).
I would be more than happy to give you some critical advice. But please state up front what level of critique you are comfortable with. Some folks just want encouragement, and that's fine. If you are truly going after commercial success, you will have to be willing to deal with 90% brutal honesty and 10% encouragement.