Author Topic: All The Good Names Were Taken  (Read 315 times)

Paragon Avenger

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All The Good Names Were Taken
« on: March 02, 2017, 04:37:11 AM »
He liked to think of himself as the Paragon City Avenger.  He battled crime, stopped purse snatchings, foiled bank robberies, and helped little old ladies cross the street.  He was completely unprepared for what was about to happen.

It was a day like any other day in Atlas Park.  The sun was shining, the Longbow were getting their pictures taken for the newspaper---again,  traffic was moving along as if on pre-planned routes and the Hellions were up to no good.  He noticed a couple of them surrounding a woman while their buddy played tug-a-war with the woman using her purse.

Instantly he sprang into action, he threw down some caltrops to slow their movement.  He fired his trusty rifle sending a shot right on target to the Hellions chest.  While waiting for the weapon to reload, he threw a knife at that same Hellion and down he went.  The woman fightened by the thugs ran away; her purse just seemed to vanish.

The 2 other Hellions were not at all happy with our hero, not at all.  One of them fired his gun at our hero doing major damage.  He pulled out his first-aid kit and bandaged the wound quickly, but well enough to slow the bleeding.  He fired his gun and threw more caltrops at the advancing Hellions.  He used his throwing knife again and could tell that he was going to win this fight.  The second Hellion continued to run through the caltrops.  His slow-motion running looked funny, but nobody was laughing.

The other Hellion fired his gun a second time, but missed.  Our hero was very grateful for that bit of luck.  Although he didn't have time for thanksgiving.  As soon as his gun was ready, he fired and dropped the Hellion Gunner.  The last remaining Hellion made it through the caltrops and using his baseball bat struck a near lethal blow to our interpid hero.  Our hero threw his knife at the attacker and fired his gun again.  The Hellion Slugger hit the pavement.

In a Schadenfreudic display of joy he leaped into the air and he beamed with a white glow.  He felt very good, his wounds healed.  He has always been a fast healer.  One time when he was only 12 years old, his kid brother threw a dart at him and it stuck in the middle of his chest.  He was about to tattle on his annoying sibling when the dart popped out, by itself, and the wound rapidly started to mend.

He felt like he needed some guidance or training to become more effective.  He looked up the street and saw Ms. Liberty standing there.  He had heard about her.  She is Statesman granddaughter and a pretty good heroine in her own right.  He thought that she might help him, if he asked her in a nice way.

"Hey you!  I saw what you did."  An angry voice said.
"What?"  He said in shock.  turning around he saw one of the Longbow.
"Let me see your ID."  The Longbow demanded.
He pulled out his Library card.
"I don't know what you want."  he said wondering why this Longbow wasn't some place getting his picture taken instead of hassling him.
"Your Superhero ID.  Come with me."  The Longbow insisted.

The pair went into City Hall and met with the City Representative.
"This guy has been practicing without being registered."  The Longbow snitched.
"Hey, I didn't know."  He said.
"Name?"  The Representative asked.
"My friends call me Trey."  he replied.

The city representative looked up and glared at him  asking, "Do I look like your friend?"
"Well, I'll leave you two to it."  the Longbow said as he walked away.
"My name is Edward Davis III."  he confessed.
"Ok, that superhero name sounds weird, let me check ... it is available."  The Representative informed typing the name into the Hero Generator and Uniform Registration Databank, or H-GAURD for short.
"Oh, my superhero name.  How about Captain Paragon."  He asked.
Hitting the backspace key several times and grunting, the City Representative said, "I'll check ... nope, taken."  There was a slight hint of glee in her voice that seemed to suggest that it serves you right.
"I had my heart set on that name, is there anything you can do?"  he asked disappointed.

"Well you could go out and find Captain Paragon and demand that he change his name.  Let's see, oh yes, he's on Peregrine Island.  I'm sure he will give up the name he has been known as for several batttles and task forces for you."  The Representative replied.
"Ok, ok, no need to get sarcastic."  he remarked.
"Let's get back to your hero name in a bit.  What are your powers?"  She asked.
"I have a rifle that reloads using my willpower."  he started.
"So you're a willpower tanker."  She interrupted not paying attention.
"No, I blast things.  And I have these nifty devices."  he corrected her.

"Ok, blaster, Assualt Rifle and Devices.  What's your origin?"  She asked.
"Tech."  He said beaming.
"Technology, and of course hero alignment.  Do you have a battlecry?"  She asked.
"<Expletive redacted> is usually the only thing a yell before going into battle."  He blurted out.
"Watch your language."  She scolded.
"Sorry."  He apologized.

"That gives me an idea.  No, it wouldn't work.  Well let's see."  She debated out loud and typed into the H-GAURD.
"What?"  He laughed at her thinking out loud.
"Ha, it's available."  She said proudly.
Peering around the screen to look at what she had typed.  "No way!  That's lame."  He protested.
"Do you have a better suggestion."  She asked confidently.
"Well not at the moment."  He said rubbing his chin.
"Well let me see."  She reached down to the keyboard to bring up a random name generator program just as he sneezed and bumped her arm.

A look of horror came over her face as she put her hands to either side of her head.
"What just happened?"  He asked fearing the answer.
"You made me hit the 'Submit' button."  She gasped.
"Well, so." 
"Your data has been sent to the H-GAURD and is now permently stored.  You are registered."  She explained.
"And my name is .."  He said with dread.
"Expletive Man."  She interrupted.

« Last Edit: March 03, 2017, 01:22:39 AM by Paragon Avenger »
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Paragon Avenger

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Re: All The Good Names Were Taken
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2017, 06:28:01 AM »
A cry for help was heard over the din of the city.  Our intrepid hero leapt into action.  Running as fast as he could, he soon spied the man in trouble.  A construction worker, in Kings Row, was trapped by a small group of some kind of weird, over-sized, wind-up toys.  These wind-up toys weren’t playing.  They would shoot electricity at the hapless citizen.

“Never fear, Expletive Man is here!”  Trey shouted as he ran at the three robots.
“Expletive Man?”  The Construction worker asked.
“Well, yes, all the good names were taken.”
“I don’t want to be rescued by ‘Expletive Man’, run along.”
“Well, think of me as Captain Paragon.”  Expletive Man rejoined.
“Ok then.”

And with that he fired a burst at one of the robots.  He threw caltrops and used web grenades on the robots.  Using brawl and slug and his throw knife he made quick work of the nasty little wind-up toys.

“Thanks for rescuing me, Captain Paragon.”  The Construction Worker said holding out his hand for a hand shake.
“Wow!  Captain Paragon is here in Kings!”  A passer-by exclaimed.
“Hey!  What’s the big idea.”  A man asked angrily as he approached our hero.
“What?”  Expletive Man asked.
“You’re not Captain Paragon.  This man is an imposter!”  The man shouted.
“Ok, ok, I’m not THE Captain Paragon, I’m ... ”  Expletive Man started to explain.
“Seize him!”  Some one shouted.
“Imposter!”  Another yelled.
“No, you don’t understand.”  Expletive Man said trying to calm the crowd.
“Captain Paragon saved me from the Circle of Thorns.  How dare you sully his name?”  A woman said indigent.  She started to pommel him with her purse.  Others joined the fray.

“Stop and decease, humans, this is a no brawling zone.”  A robotic voice said.
Instantly everybody stopped pounding on Expletive Man.
“Robo-Bot, are we glad to see you.”  One of the brawlers said.
“Explain yourself, human.”  Robo-Bot replied.
“This man is an imposter.”  One of the crowd said.
“Yeah!” Many of the crowd shouted.
“He claims to be Captain Paragon.”  Another one of the crowd stated.
“Hero, show me your identification card.”  Robo-Bot requested.

He pulled out his Super Powered Person Identification and Registration card.
“This is Expletive Man, not Captain Paragon.”  Robo-Bot responded.
“I know, that’s what I was trying to tell these idiots.”  Expletive Man.
“Why are you going by a false identity?  You are not Captain Paragon.”  Robo-Bot asked.
“No, you see I was just explaining.”  Expletive Man started to explain.
“Tell it to the judge.”  Robo-Bot said

The two heroes went to the nearest police station.
“Officer, this is Expletive Man, but he tells people that he is Captain Paragon.”  Robo-Bot informed the police sergeant behind the desk.
“Captain Paragon has been a real friend to our precinct for many years.”  The police sergeant commented.
“Did some one say that Captain Paragon was here?”  Another Policeman asked.
“Captain Paragon, I want to thank you again for … you’re not Captain Paragon.”  A policeman said walking into the room.
“So trying to horn in on Captain Paragon’s good reputation?”  The Police Sergeant asked.
“No, you don’t understand.”  Expletive Man began.
“I’m listening.”  The Police Sergeant replied.
“As you know the name Captain Paragon is already taken, but I figured if it made people feel better than they could think of me as Captain Paragon instead of Expletive Man.”  Expletive Man explains.
“Well, how did you get the name, ‘Expletive Man’ anyhow?”  The Police Sergeant asked.
“By accident, I assure you.”  Expletive Man sighed.

“Ok, ok, pay a 50i fine and only use the name on your Hero ID from now on.”  The Police Sergeant ordered.
“Great, just great.”  Expletive Man said.
“What did you say?”  The Police Sergeant asked.
“Nothing.”  Expletive Man replied.
“Another 10i for using somebody else’s catch phrase.”  The Police Sergeant gaveled.

Expletive Man made his way to the cashier and paid the fine.
“Pssst.”  Robo-Bot said waving his hand at Expletive Man.
“Yes, what is it now.”  Expletive Man asked.
“You should get a rename token.”  Robo-Bot said robotically.
“How would that help, Captain Paragon … “  Expletive man said.
“ut-ut-ut”  The Police Sergeant said waving his finger at Expletive Man.
“You know who has already been taken, how would a rename token help?”  Expletive Man whispered.
“Well, it couldn’t hurt.”  Robo-Bot said imitating Groucho Marx.
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Paragon Avenger

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Re: All The Good Names Were Taken
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2017, 10:05:10 PM »
He never had any problems before.  Steel Canyon is his home and he knows how to avoid the Outcasts.  He works at the University grading papers and assisting the professors, but tonight it is he who needs assistance.  Walking home from work, he forgot to cross the street at Lexington Avenue and ran straight into a group of Outcasts.

“Please, Mr. Outcast Sir, let me go.  I didn’t mean anything by walking down this side of the street.  It was an accident.”  He begged.
His pleads fell on deaf ears as the Outcasts began to encircle him and demand money.
“Conflagration!”  He shouted as had been taught in self-defense courses throughout Paragon City.
The Outcasts began to attack him.

From out of the sky a superhero sped to his aid.
“There’s no need to panic, Expletive Man is here.”  Expletive Man said.
“That don’t even rhyme.”  The Outcast leader said.
“Well, I can’t say what UnderDog says.”  Expletive Man replied.
“Of course.  So why are you here?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“Well, I am here to rescue that librarian.”  Expletive Man said.
“But I’m not a librarian.”  He said.
“Shut up, you idiot.”  One of the Outcasts said firing a fire-ball at him.

“Well whatever he does for a living is unimportant.”  Expletive Man said.
“Unimportant?  This is a man’s livelihood you’re talking about.”  The Outcast Leader admonished.
“Well I didn’t mean it that way.”  Expletive man replied.
“Then why did you say it?”  The Outcast leader fired back.
“I meant that no matter what a citizen of Paragon City does for a living, I will be there to rescue him.”  Expletive Man said.
“What about us Outcasts, will you help us?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“No”  Expletive Man responded.

“Hypocrite!”  The Outcast leader accused.
“I help good, honest, hard-working folks.”  Expletive Man replied.
“What about Used Car Salesmen, will you help them?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“Well, of course.”  Expletive Man said.
“But 90% of all used car salesmen give a bad name to the other 10%.”  The Outcast Leader shot back.
“Well, yes but you don’t understand.”  Expletive Man replied.
“I heard it was more like 95%.”  He said.
“Oh snap.”  One of the Outcasts said.

“Look, the percentage of Used Car Salesmen who deal honestly is not important.”  Expletive Man said.
“Not Important?  When is the last time you bought a car?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“Yeah.”  He said.
“I’m here to rescue people from crime, not purchase less than new automobiles.”  Expletive Man countered.
“What about pollution and old age?  Those seem to kill millions.  What are you doing about those?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“Well, I never thought about that.”  Expletive Man said.
“And disease, what are you doing about disease?”  The Outcast leader piled on.
“Nothing.”  Expletive man said defeated.

“Defender of the people, ha!  Defender of nothing.”  The Outcast leader taunted.
“But I rescue people from …”  Expletive Man said.
“From what?  Just so they can die a slow painful death.”  The Outcast leader put it on thick.
“No, I help people.”  Expletive Man said.
“You heartless sack of <expletive redacted>, you would have these poor people die of old age or some rare disease.”  The Outcast leader continued.
“Yeah, that’s telling him.”  He said.

“I guess my whole existence is a joke.”  Expletive Man concluded.
“So why don’t you go run-along and leave us to our business?”  The Outcast leader asked.
“Yeah.”  He said.
“Wait a minute, are you saying that you don’t want me to rescue you, sir?”  Expletive Man asked.
“Oh, umm, yes, please rescue me.”  He said.

And with that our hero began to shoot, knife and beat the Outcasts.  He used web grenade to hold the advancing Outcasts at bay until he could drop them one-by-one.  The Outcasts fought back, but he was able to take drugs to help him deal with the damage they did to him.

“Wow! That was amasing, fantastic, and super!”  He said.
“Thanks.”  Expletive Man said.
“What is your name, again.”  He asked.
“Expletive Man.” Expletive Man shouted in that heroic-echo way.
“What?  No.  Bring the Outcasts back.”  He said.
“What?”  Expletive Man asked.
“Look, when I tell the police, newspaper and my friends who rescued me; I don’t want to say, ‘Expletive Man’, you understand.”  He remarked.
“But I saved you.”  Expletive Man said.
“Yeah, thanks for nothing.”  He replied.
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Re: All The Good Names Were Taken
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2017, 04:23:11 AM »
“You’re doing well, Expletive Man.”  Ms. Liberty exclaimed as our hero approached her.
“Thank you, I was wondering … “  Expletive Man began.
“Would you like to train to the next level?”  Ms. Liberty asked interrupting him.
“Well, ok.”  Expletive Man responded.
“I’m sorry; you do not have enough experience to be trained for the next level.”  Ms. Liberty cheerfully informed.
“Then why did you, oh never mind.  I want to buy a rename token please.”  Expletive Man replied.
“I don’t sell those.”  Ms. Liberty replied.
“Where do I get one; how do I get one?”  He asked.
“You can get a recipe for a rename token from salvage and other things you get as rewards for fighting crime.”  Ms. Liberty explained.
“Is there another way?”
“Yes, the Auction House, Wentworth’s probably has some up for sale.”  Ms. Liberty said.
“Ok, thanks.”

He run to Wentwoth’s just up the street.  He could tell right away that it was a classy store.  The circular design of the building, the glass front and roof, the wood paneling, even the uniforms the sales help wore made him feel a bit out of place.  He walked up to a cute woman sales associate and said “Hello” with a smile.

“How may I serve you?”  She intoned.
“I am looking for a rename token, please.”  Expletive Name said.
“First things first, big guy, let me see your super person registration and identification card.
He pulled out his hero ID and handed it to her.  He knew what was going to happen next.  She was going to make fun of his name or be put off by it.  She will probably have him thrown out.  Well his mind was made up; he wasn’t going to leave without a rename token or a fight.

“Let me enter you into our computer.”  She said as she typed into her computer.
“I have as much right to be here as anybody else.”  He said sternly.
“Of course you do, there you go.  Your storage is setup and you may bid or put items up for sale.”  She said pleased with her speed of setting up his accounts.
“So you are not going to send for security or ridicule my name?”  Expletive Man asked.
“Why would I do that; we see all kind of crazy names in here, believe me.”  She laughed.
“You don’t find my name particularly strange?”  He asked.
“What was your name, I didn’t even notice?”  She asked.
“Expletive Man!”  He said in that heroic echo voice.

“That’s cute.  So what did you want to do?”  She asked.
“Really, well, I’m looking for a rename token.”  Expletive Man said a bit stunned.
“Yes, you search on this screen and enter you bid here and the quantity here.  Will that be all?”  She asked.
“That’s all for now.”  He said as he figured out the search.  It was fairly simple and straight forward.  He typed in ‘rename’ and items up for bid and for sale popped up.  There were several bidders for rename tokens, not what he was looking for.  He then found rename token recipes.  He kind of didn’t know how to do recipes so he skipped those.  He found rename tokens.
“Miss?”  He asked.
“Yes, how may I serve you?”  The same sales lady asked.
“I found the rename tokens, but they don’t have prices.  I don’t understand.”  He said confused.

“You have to bid on the items, that’s kind of why we call this place an auction house.”  She said trying not to be too sarcastic.
“Now who’s being cute?”  He said playfully.
She twirled her hair around her finger and giggled.
“Ok, so what’s the minimum price for one of these rename thingies.”  He almost forgot why he was there.  She was pretty and friendly and helpful.  She didn’t make fun of his stupid superhero name, and that is a big plus.
“Oh, I can’t tell you that.”  She countered.
“I’d lose my job, silly.  Each customer is guaranteed privacy of price and privacy of bids.”  She explained.
“So, I’m just another customer to you.”  He felt let down.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I would love to help you, but rules are rules.”  She said wishing she could break the rules.

“Ok, tell me what I should bid.”  He said looking into her beautiful eyes.
“Well, you can bid 1i or 2,000,000,000i.  There is a 5% fee when you make a purchase.”  She said trying to be helpful.
“Oh, I get it.  I decide what price I want to pay.  If somebody put one up for sale at or below that price, I win the bid.  This sounds kind of fun.”  He said catching on to the bidding system.
“I can think of something more fun.”  She mumbled under her breath.
“What was that?”  He asked excited about the bidding system.
“I said that you can put in more than one bid.”  She said hoping to cover up her earlier slip.

“Ok, all done with this bidding stuff.”  He said proud of himself.
“You did very well for a first timer.”  She replied smiling at him.
“You know, there is something that I’m not a first timer at.”  He said confidently.
“What is that?”  She asked coyly.
He leaned over and gave her a soft warm kiss.
“You’re right, you are no first timer.”  She laughed.
“So, what time do you get off work?”  He asked hopeful.
“Well, we just met, but you are a superhero.  I think I could be safe with you.”  She replied.
“Don’t be too sure about that.”
“Well I get off around 9, but I got to pick-up my niece from piano class.  How about Friday?”  She asked.
“Friday is good for me.”  He answered walking away looking at her.
As he was walking away, another super came running up.  He was dressed in red armor from head to toe.  He thought he heard her say to this armored hero, ‘I need a canopener’.
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Re: All The Good Names Were Taken
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2017, 06:42:58 PM »
Friday came and he prepared for his date.  He decided to stay home the entire day so that he wouldn’t get involved with street crime, and possibly spend the night in the hospital.  He took a shower and put on his costume.  Then he thought that wearing his superhero costume on a date was overkill.  He changed into his street clothes and ate lunch.  Spilling mustard down his shirt, he took another shower and put his shirt to soak.  He put on a business suit.  He has this business suit for special occasions, mostly funerals and weddings.  He felt over-dressed.  He changed into his covert costume that he uses for sneaking around at night.  He figured that this date was going to take place at night; his night costume would be a good choice.

He stepped outside and realized something he never noticed before.  His night costume was a bit too revealing in his groan area.  At night---in the dark---it didn’t matter, but on a date it could be embarrassing.  He went back inside.  He decided that he would wear the top of his superhero costume, but below the waist he would wear dress pants and dress shoes.  He completed the ensemble with a sports coat.  The blues and grays of his night costume with the grays of his sports coat went well with the dark blue of his dress pants and black dress shoes.  Looking in the mirror he did that finger gun thing and said, “You big stud”.  He was happy with the way he looked.

He changed into street clothes to avoid wrinkling his costume.  And judging by what happened during lunch, he decided that it was a good idea to not wear his “date costume” until his was ready to use it.  He double-checked the reservations at the “El Super Mexicano” restaurant.  He double-checked his wallet.  He had enough cash for tonight.  He double-checked his whiskers, “Yup better shave again”, he thought to his self.  After shaving, he decided that it might be better if he had a light snack before going out.  He figured that eating before going out, he wouldn’t need to eat as much and he could focus on more important things.

After finishing his third Braunschweiger and Limburger cheese sandwich, he decided that it was time to get ready again.  He took another shower and shaved.  And after getting a whiff of his own breath, he brushed his teeth, flossed and gargled, twice.  He walked outside and down the street.
“Hey, it’s Expletive Man, let’s get him!”  A Hellion cried.
“Not tonight, boys; I have a date.”  Expletive Man explained.
“Ok, some other time.”  The Hellion replied.
“Get her good!”  Another Hellion shouted.
He wanted to teach them some manners, but he didn’t want to be late.  He walked on.

As he walked into Wentworth’s he noticed that they were kind of busy.  With all these heroes around, he couldn’t see his date.  He decided to get in-line.  After waiting several minutes, he got to the head of the line.  “Is it always this busy?”  He asked.
“Oh, it varies; how may I serve you.”  The employee asked.
He described the employee that he was looking for.
“Oh, you mean Lisa.  Yeah she was transferred to Talos Island.”  The employee advised.
“Transferred?  How long did she know that she was going to be transferred?”  He asked.
“Usually, they give us a couple weeks notice ahead of time.”
“Thank you.”  He said out of habit and turned and walked away.
“You look nice, by the way.”  The employee stated.
“Expletive!”  He said.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2017, 06:59:16 PM by Paragon Avenger »
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Paragon Avenger

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Re: All The Good Names Were Taken
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2017, 01:26:27 AM »
After being stood-up for his date, he headed back to his apartment.  He realized that it must have been his superhero name that caused Lisa to split.  He pondered the mistreatment he received while trying to help people.  He thought back to his run-ins with the law.  “Ten influence just for saying, ‘Great, just great’, that was ridiculous”  He said to his self.  He nearly convinced his self to become a villain when the phone rang.

“Yes?”  He answered picking up the phone and tapping the answer icon.
“Hello, hello, is this the party to whom I’m speaking?”  A voice said over the phone.
“Why no, it is … Expletive Man!”  He said in that heroic reverb voice.
“Well, I was told to call you.  May I come up to your place?”  The voice continued.
He didn’t recognize the voice.  It wasn’t Lisa, that tabby.  It sounded like a man’s voice, strong and sure, but not quite super heroic.  It sounded human, but in Paragon City, who knows.
“Ok.”  He replied.
The doorbell sounded.
“When it rains it pours.”  He said softly to his self as he walked to the door.

“Hi, remember me from earlier today, on the phone.”  The costumed hero said after Expletive Man opened the door.
“You called from right outside my door?”  Expletive Man asked.
“Well, I didn’t want to disturb you.”  This new hero stated.
“Yeah, what do you want?”  Expletive Man asked.
“May I come in?”  He asked pushing pass E.M.
“Yeah, sit any …”  Expletive Man started to say as he turned to close the door and follow the new hero in.  The new hero was already seated at the table.

“I need your help.”  He said.
“What do you need me to do?”  Expletive Man asked.
“I need a mentor.”
“Ah, I know several good ones, there’s …”  Expletive Man said as he sat at the table opposite the other hero.
“No, I need you.”
“Why me?”  E.M. asked.
“I am just starting out, and you have been through a lot of training.  And there is a certain symmetry with our names.”
“Oh, I see.  What is your name?”  Expletive Man asked.
“I am Interjection!”  Interjection said in that heroic echo voice.
“You have got to be kidding.”  Expletive Man remarked.
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